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The Queen of Psychedelic Euphoria
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| Life As We Know It. |
[Nov. 9th, 2009|02:35 pm] |
Man, I miss that show. Hahaha
Anyway.
How are you guys? I miss you all very much. This term has left me with almost 0.0 breathing room.
Please, let's do something fun like eat out or have a movie marathon or something.
I miss people. >:D< LOVE! |
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| JJJJADED. |
[Nov. 2nd, 2009|01:45 pm] |
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Just waiting for the fire on the wick to flicker and die out. |
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| Open letters again. Cannot write with all this bottled up. |
[Oct. 20th, 2009|09:57 pm] |
One: Thank you very much. I've missed you.
Two: I see your face in the strangest places. Sad. It is sad that what I look forward to most in everyday is opening my computer and reading an e-mail from you. So I will not reply today, or tomorrow. I will reply on Thursday. Just so I don't cheat myself into thinking that you are corresponding with me for any reason other than you are genuinely nice. It just wouldn't do to think otherwise. No, no, no.
And I am writing this story, hoping that maybe I will finally get over all this, whatever this is. Maybe I will finally remember how it felt to be motivated without having you involved. E-mails are a cheap substitute, really, but I suppose they help. I'm sorry if most of them don't make sense. You are too smart for your own good, and it intimidates me. There is a little part of me that feels empty, not in a melodramatic way, just in an honest way. I drift through my classes thinking:
I wonder how you're doing, I wonder what you're doing, I wonder how it would have been if you were here.
I'm so goddamn bored, I want to write, I need motivation, I'm so sick of living for other people, I just want to do what I want to do.
Everyone can just do what they fucking want, noone listens anyway. There isn't a point. It would have been nice if you'd made the effort to say thank you. But.
What the hell. Maybe this is all in my head. T_T Unfortunately, my head is a rather big place.
Three: Can you not see that you are pissing me off so much that it makes me want to CRY? It's annoying! I am so tired of giving people advice they never take. So, whatever. You have to learn to be alone, and to be HAPPY alone. THAT's why you're not in a relationship, that's why noone wants to be your girlfriend; why SHE doesnt want to be your girlfriend...and more importantly why I WILL NEVER, EVER BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND. You are too damn clingy, and noone wants to get into a relationship with someone who will smother them with attention ALL THE TIME. Well, except maybe you. It still stands, if you ask me: you can't fall in love with someone who kisses your ass.
Four: UGH. Don't get carried away, I'm tired of picking up the pieces.
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| VENTricle? |
[Oct. 13th, 2009|10:19 pm] |
To a whole lot of people.
One:
I miss you terribly. I wish we could talk like we did before. I wish absence hadn't numbed my heart to the point of not knowing the difference between when you are gone, and when you are here. I wish I looked out for your image on the horizon, walking toward me, instead of thinking of my homework, or of what I'm going to eat for lunch. I wish I would feel it all. "Anywhere was home." Now I can't find it. I can't find it, and I'm swimming, but I can't so I just drift. "No shame in drifting, feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark." Just hold me. Just hold me. Just hold me. I am always scared you don't mean it. I am always scared to think about the things that could happen. I am tired, so tired. Not of you, but of myself. Where is home? It used to be you.
I will never hurt you, if it means strapping myself to a pole.
Two:
Stay away. It's your enigma that keeps me going. Yes, keep partially reinforcing me, please, because it's terrible, but don't let it stop. No, no, no don't let it stop. When it does, so will I and that will be the end of me. Yes, go about your mysterious life, doing your mysterious, awesome things that I am too stupid or too young to comprehend. Yes, yes, yes. Don't let me down. Or pretend to, but never really do it. Don't let us become friends. Even if I want it, I shouldn't have what I want. If we become friends, there will be no stopping the rabid dog of a heart I keep trapped in that cage of bones beneath my chest. What are you doing? What if you were here? What if I said things normal people say instead of always being myself? What if you saw me at my best instead of at my worst like you always do?
Don't let me find out. Please, please, please.
Three:
You're too nice for your own good. And I want you to find what I know you should find, but I don't want you to; because I want you to stay the way you are, illogical as it may seem. I am like a needy father creating separation anxiety for his child. I am the quite imposition on the otherwise carefree life you would live. I am just lonely. Lonely, lonely, lonely. And you are collateral damage. Nonetheless, I care. But it is care that will hurt you in the end. It is the feeding hand that will press down on your mouth and feel you struggling for air, writhing against the palm, but only stop when you are still. I saw it the moment you said hello. I will hurt you. I will and you'd better believe it. Don't fall for my innocent face. People wouldn't want to believe it, but I am not 12, and I am not innocent, and I am not nice; just weak, just scared, just frail, just too optimistic. I will. I will. I will. I don't want to, but I will.
But please just let me.
Four:
The day is young, but the thoughts on your mind are old. They've been there for a while. And it's tiring. So tiring. You are lonely. But who isn't? Sir Jong got it right: we are all alone. Even in love we are alone. So stop looking for it. It will come, it will come, it will come. And I don't trust you sometimes. Not with me, but with other people. You are worshiping the status quo. Don't lose yourself. Know what it is you want. Know it, know it, know it. And when you do, scream it at the top of your lungs, and have no fear because it is what you want. "You were what I wanted, I gave what I gave". Yes, an old song. And remember that when I joke around, I am not laughing at you, I am trying to make you believe in yourself, because Darwin was right about one thing, at least: the weak do not survive; and I do not just mean in body since we are the cognitive generation; I mean in mind. Stop being so defensive. Not everyone is out to get you.
Contrary to all the emo crap you've eaten off of the side of the road, deep sighs, looking dead and wearing black do not define cool.
Five:
I miss you, John. Why did you have to die? Could you not have conjured a rainbow or something beautiful; melodious at the least to sound instead of that gunshot?
The world misses its dreamer. |
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| guh. |
[Oct. 8th, 2009|10:52 pm] |
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you enamor me still. |
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| ugh. |
[Oct. 3rd, 2009|01:23 pm] |
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bored. |
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| Because people aren't who they were in 2nd grade. |
[Sep. 29th, 2009|11:19 pm] |
I wish everyone would stop saying things like "ew he's such a freak" or "does he bite?" or "he's creepy" because honestly, he is not that bad. to tell the truth, i do not SEE WHAT IS WRONG AT ALL. Yes, he's socially retarded but JEEZ, 2 wrongs don't make 1 right. Just because someone is socially inept, treating him like shit isnt going to make him any better.
Besides, there's a story behind how everyone behaves. :p And if anyone tells me one more time that he was such a freak in grade school; in a tone that makes it sound like an excuse to treat him like an animal, goodness forgive me i will PUNCH THAT PERSON in the gut. Not just because that's a stupid reason, but also because no one is the same person NOW as they were in grade school. Does anyone who is 18/19/20 still bring a plastic lunch box packed with YanYan and Hello Panda to school? I doubt it. Does anyone of this age still piss in their pants at night? I doubt it. DOES ANYONE AT OUR AGE STILL THINK THAT HE/SHE IS GOING TO MARRY PINK/GREEN RANGER???
In 2nd grade, I was a bitch. I used to spread rumors around about people, and I used to tell Hoogie (yes from carpool) that he couldnt use the fountain until after I was done because I was older than him. I wrote my then-bestfriend a letter saying her nose was too big. I had a huge superiority complex and thought everyone else was stupid. I was also the most popular girl in my class. Am I still that way? No, I think not.
And just because someone doesn't ACT like they know you're freaked out, it doesn't mean they don't know it. They're aesthetically challenged, not deaf or blind. UGH. And another thing, there are so MANY OTHER PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO ARE MORE FULL OF SHIT but everyone worships-or at least tolerates- because they're better-looking.
For example, the jock in class who doesn't do anything and copies off them studious types. Or the closet-gay who makes fun of people who smoke and drink; calling them sinners. There's also the asshole who thinks he's hot even if he isn't, and makes loud comments about girls who pass by like "dude, she's so damn fat." Oh and the bitchy girls with perfect skin and hair who use their charms to get things from guys, and then dump them? And how can we forget the heartthrob who reaps all the benefits from his opposite-sex girl bestfriend who he keeps around for when everyone discovers how he really is and needs the attention?
SERIOUSLY.
People call themselves non-conformists. Talaga lang, ha? You guys can't even hang out with someone enough to at least know that he isn't as bad as everyone makes him out to be.
And what qualifies someone as a "freak" anyway?
Because if it's that something's wrong with him/her, then we're all freaks aren't we?
I watched the Hunchback of Notredame last night, and it made me cry because I realized that the way those idiotic townspeople treated Quasimodo is exactly how everyone treats him. SHEEP. Motherfucking SHEEP.
Everyone's so damn concerned about what's deep, what's indie, what's awesome. We forget about the more shallow, basic things. Like not judging books by their covers and treating people like we would like to be treated. Some people say "it's human nature to gravitate toward good-looking people."
WELL YEAH, but there's a reason why we know that. We were given fucking METACOGNITION for a reason. "Okay, so I know that I know that I might be treating pretty people better not cause they're nice but cause they're pretty." is that IT??? DOES IT END THERE??? Is there, no "so I'll try and get to know someone first before judging them." JEEZ.
And to those select few: ang gaganda't gwapo niyo kasi, eh noh? =p
PUTA.
[You can choose to ignore this; it is a rant. A very opinionated one as well. So yeah.]
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| meh. |
[Sep. 23rd, 2009|10:15 pm] |
Dear Self,
Sometimes you just have to know when to shut up.
Love,
Self.
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2009|07:42 pm] |
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Hello, World. I feel sad today. |
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| in Psysta2. |
[Aug. 4th, 2009|11:51 am] |
Hallo! I'm sitting in psysta2 now. :) It's not so bad really. I get the lessons, but sir Kintanar's worksheets are very tricky. D: life has been treating me alright, although i notice i haven't been updating much lately; haha just reading other people's blogs.
This term's been fun, hella lotta work, but fun anyway. :) I hope I pass chemmmm. X_X
Hrrrm.
Also, while i haven't quite written anything yet, but at least im reading again. I finished reading The Lovely Bones a couple of weeks ago, and started on Lolita as well as Sorrows of an American by Siri Hustdevt. :) i also started on some Paul Auster books,but i think i'll continue reading those another time.
I've been thinking about what I want to do with my life lately... and I've realized, I have no idea. I mean, I have so many paths ahead of me, I'm honestly not sure which one to travel down. The band is a given, of course ;) haha. but there's only so much I can do about that right? :)
I sometimes wonder about teaching but to be honest, I'm not sure if I'll be good enough for that. haha. I mean, I know that I'm smart, but I'm not sure if I'm smart enough. :)) Then there's being a Doctor, which I'd really love to be, but I'm scared that I might drop out, or not be good enough for that either. I can see myself doing both. o_o Whatever, good thing I've got the 5 or so extra terms. Haha. :p
Tralalala.
Who wants to know how to run a one-way ANOVA test? xD
Can't wait for the Time Traveler's Wife movie. :) |
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| "New Term" stuff. |
[Jun. 13th, 2009|05:17 pm] |
| [ | Come on over to |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | what's making u sweat? |
| | Zachary Quinto's Voice | ] |
Technically, it's a little late for this, but since the N1H1 shizz has abruptly hit the restart button on our academic lives, I'm posting this anyway. :))
Stuff going on for me this term:
1) Zachary Quinto's Eyebrows: We're going to be practicing at a studio, starting this term. We're also putting up a fund for the band so we can buy equipment, etc. We're going to be saving up P180/per month each for our fund. :)
There's also an event we're planning sometime in August, but more on that next time. ;) And we're playing on Angie's 18th, at Poquito Mas in West Gate. Hopefully, all goes well.
2) Academics: I'm determined to be a Dean's Lister this term. My subjects this term aren't exactly hard technically; like there aren't lots of things to memorize; there are no animal or plant, for that matter, tissues or microbodies involved. But there is lots of work; many projects and papers to submit on a regular basis, and THAT has never been my strong point. ._. i tend to cut regularly and be very complacent about things. Hopefully I shall not allow myself to be distracted! ;))
3) Malate: I'm not hoping to be published, or anything grand anymore, really seeing as how I have concluded that that is about as improbable as me winning the lottery, a ticket to LA, meeting Zachary Quinto and having him become my bestfriend all in the same day. So my goal is simple: Keep my Reading Journal updated. :D
THTHTHTHTHTHAT'S ALL FOLKS!
Oh, and I want to lose 12 pounds. :)
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| Passion for life- when you have it; you have everything. |
[Jun. 13th, 2009|01:12 pm] |
Thank you, Lord of the Rings for saving me when I was 11. Thank you, Rooney, for saving me when I was 15. Thank you, Star Wars for saving me when I was 16. Thank you.
Thank you, Star Trek for saving me now. Thank you, Zachary Quinto for the passion you put into your acting; for narrating the audio book. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Maybe salvation isn't something we wait for; it's something we find. o_o |
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| Feeling Your Mortality |
[Apr. 27th, 2009|12:27 am] |
Today, I was having a conversation with my friend who Dom and I fondly refer to as "Glasses Guy". And he told me about his 3 profs getting into an accident on the road. One of the profs died, and the others are in the hospital. And GG said, "I just totally feel my mortality right now." After his, he informed me that he also just finished taking the Engineering Board Exams.
I've been thinking about what he said, and I guess I've been feeling the fragility of human life a lot lately, too. And it scares me. Marz and I talk about the blissful ignorance of youth that we sometimes feel we've lost; that innocence we envy others for still having. Now we know that almost nothing is for free; that money plays such a big role in the world. And it gets harder to be happy as you grow older and realize how the world really is.
As I was revising my draft for Malate, I started thinking about a couple of ideas that Martin (Tinio) and Ivan (Mendez) told us at the last GA: (not exact quotations; just the main ideas here) 1) keep your compulsion to create alive despite how useless it all may seem at times 2) try as hard as you can to master your craft and appreciate the crafts of others 3) life is too short to waste on anger.
I started thinking about how continuing to write (or paint, or take pictures, or make music) and worry about these fictional worlds; these real frogs in imaginary gardens is a choice we make that brings us discomfort that we aren't sure will end. And for a while I started thinking about why I write; whether or not I should go on writing. Wala namang mawawala sa akin, diba? Besides, why worry about these "people" and their lives when it's hard enough to worry about my own life? Why worry about how they act and who they are and what they do and what will happen to them and where it will happen? Above all, why continue worrying about how to write about what happens to them? Why worry about your tone and your choice of words? Why worry about the consistency of your language? Why try and organize chaos anyway?
And tonight, I sort of got my answer to those questions. I'm posting it here to make sure that I don't forget.
There's not a whole lot of organic unity to this note so bljahsfrhuaew. :))
I realized while having my online consultation with Akire about the draft I eventually finished (hurrah) that I write for no other reason than to have something to get better at; something to build up and then break apart again and again. Yes, I have to change about 80 % of that draft I wrote. And yes, I have to do it within the week. And no, it doesn't get any easier. But I'm glad I still have something to do. I still have something to accomplish. I still have something to get better at. Sometimes I think writing saves me, and as Neil Gaiman wrote, it is a peculiar way of saving myself. While the story can still improve, or is still being written, the author is still alive. And when it's over, the author's dead. And sometimes I think maybe I save my characters. Maybe they feel kind of lonely, those ghosty people who live on paper and in my mind.
Someone said that our crafts don't save us; don't lessen our despair. He used Van Gogh as an example; saying that after Vincent painted starry starry night he cut off his ear. I'm pertaining to a different kind of salvation in that last paragraph though. Maybe our crafts save us from giving up on other things. Or in case we give up, at least having something to leave behind.
EWAN. BASTA PUNYETA ANG LABO. :))
Organic Unity, love/hate tayo. Mwah. |
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| help. |
[Apr. 23rd, 2009|10:25 pm] |
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x_x gah. who the fuck am i? |
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| D: |
[Apr. 16th, 2009|11:25 am] |
| [ | what's making u sweat? |
| | Annie Use Your Telescope- Jack's Mannequin | ] |
Sigh.
Things haven't been easy lately, to be honest. O_O Basta, stuff sa bahay yadda yadda. Let's just say that the recession's really hit my mom's company. :p they've gone from 3 million a month, to 300,000 a month. so . yeah. meh. I mean, we're still living thank God, but there are certain things we've had to give up that are kinda hard to give up like eating out, using the aircon, and trips to Makati. But it's ok. I just hope things don't get worse. =]
I've been kind of obsessed with Jack's Mannequin lately. I think it's because Andrew McMahon' s so... established? But you know he hasn't had it easy. I admire that. I downloaded their new album (not sure if i mentioned that before) and it's just so beautiful. He has a song for his wife on the record, called "Annie Use Your Telescope".
:') ganda. "Spinning", "Swim" and "Annie Use Your Telescope" are my favorites.
favorite lines: "You know where to find me, anytime you want me." and "When the pain won't stop, Annie, I will make it." :')
deym, that woman lucky.
favorite lines: "Swim for the music that saves you when you're not so sure you'll survive." and "I swim for better days despite the absence of sun."
oh, and "The currents will pull you away from your love, just keep your head above."
<33 yun lang.
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